'You can't make me'
“You can’t make me.”
Haha! I can’t help but laugh every time I hear that phrase. It takes me back to my childhood days on Sheep Hill. Waaaay back.
I grew up around some terrific “street athletes,” many who didn’t go on to play in high school in college — but could have and should have. Guys like Spider, Earl the Pearl, Goofball, JuJu, Buckwheat, Duck, Fluffy, Bubble, Cricket, Ditalini, and Charlie Manson (yep). Every game was a competitive cauldron.
So we’d hear it in the school yard, on the baseball diamond, or on the concrete basketball court. It usually came after a controversial call.
“It’s our ball!” someone would declare. “Give it to me!”
“You can’t make me.”
Best case scenario, a brief argument ensued.
Worst case, a drawn-out fistfight.
Today, I view that four-word phrase as the ultimate in strong moral character. It’s a phrase I desire to live up to, though I continue to fail over and over. It’s a phrase I wish all of us would use more than we do.
“You can’t make me.”
But before we can confidently make that statement a regular part of our vocabulary, we need to imagine some scenarios we may be confronted with and then ask two very important questions:
1) Is that who I REALLY want to be?
2) Or is that who I think OTHERS want me to be?
Here’s an example of what I mean:
The scenario …
You’re coaching your daughter’s softball team and the umpire makes a bad call that’s obvious to everyone at the field.
Your choices …
a) You feed off the jeers and anger coming from the crowd, so you feel compelled to stand up for your team. You begin to argue with, then belittle the umpire throughout the game.
b) You realize it’s a bad call, but you want to model restraint and mental toughness for your team. So you rally the girls to maintain their focus and move on to the next play.
The key questions …
1) Who do I REALLY want to be?
2) Who do I think OTHERS want me to be?
The ultimate victory …
When it happens in the future, you no longer hesitate. Even a bad call can’t make you change who you REALLY want to be. You smile and say to yourself …
“You can’t make me.”
The longer I’m around business leaders, coaches, and teachers I admire, the more I’m convinced that this is the ultimate standard of excellence. No matter what kind of chaos, controversy or criticism swirls around us, we an confidently proclaim:
“You can’t make me.”
No matter what others THINK someone in our position should do, we can confidently counter:
“You can’t make me.”
And that phrase is highly transferrable to other areas of our lives:
When a teammate or work colleague displays below-the-line behavior, “you can’t make me” go below the line with you.
When I have my turn signal on and I’m just about to pull into a parking space, then someone swoops in from the other side. “You can’t make me” flip out on that driver.
When it rains during every day of vacation, “you can’t make me” not enjoy my time away with family and friends.
When … (fill in the blank).
But it’s hard to develop that character muscle. Really hard.
In my own life, I’ve found it’s much easier to default to what others think I should do in various situations. Much easier.
It’s a literal shot of dopamine, research suggests. But like someone under the influence, those decisions I make usually aren’t rational. They’re simply made for likes, shares, hi-fives, or attaboys.
And I feel awful when I come down from that high.
But I’m also learning that when I act in accordance with who I REALLY want to be, I’m much happier, more fulfilled and sleep much better.
So, then, how should we measure success?
By becoming who we REALLY want to be?
Or how I think OTHERS want me to be?
I’ll leave you with a story shared by Brett Ledbetter, founder of “What Drives Winning.” It may help make our decisions clearer.
“I was walking with Mike Gundy, the football coach at Oklahoma State University. As the team walks from the hotel to the stadium, people line up on the street and cheer for them. And I actually saw grown men on their knees, bowing as Gundy walked by. That was seared into my brain.
“A couple of days later, I saw Bob Stoops, who was having a statue built for him at the University of Oklahoma after he retired as football coach. I asked him, ‘How did you deal with all the adulation that came with your position? You know, those guys chanting your name and kneeling in the street?
“He paused for a moment and shared a response I’ll never forget:
“You just realize it’s the same men who hung Jesus.”
(Tim Kolodziej is the author of this piece and founder of EnspireU.com. When he’s not behind a laptop, he can be found inside a gym helping young athletes create their own unique future — one rep at a time. Click here to connect with him by email.)